Motherhood

Things have been challenging lately. Diana has finally moved in with me. After a 5 year wait, I finally have my baby back.

Adjusting to our new life together hasn’t been without difficulties on both sides.

I went from being responsible only for myself to having to adjust to being effectively a “new mother” for the second time to the same child. And not to a new-born, but to a 9-year old on a full-time basis with no family around to help.

Diana had to adjust to a different household and a new country.

 

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit low and feeling that I’m failing as parent because she’s not the “perfect” child. Although, I don’t really know what a perfect child is, to be honest. Is there any child without tantrums? Who doesn’t test a parent to see how far she can go?

 

Last night, when I was in bed preparing myself to sleep I was thinking how can I become a better Mother when all of a sudden I hear her making sounds.

 

I recognised it because it’s the same one that I hear when I’m suddenly awaken by my own nightmares. I remained awake to see if she would call for me or if she was effectively still asleep when I hear call out for me by my bedroom door.

 

She jumped on the bed with me, I cuddled her and stroke her hair and felt deeply thankful for the opportunity to be there for my child when she needed me. As these thoughts have, effectively, been haunting me and as I ask God to help me be a better parent, today, God showed me once again, how amazing He is and how He is always listening.

 

Today, at Church, our Pastor was talking about the letters of the Ephesians and mentioned a specific verse. Ephesians 6-3:4 that says “do not provoke you children with wrath”. How wonderful it was to hear my Pastor give his own testimony as a parent, and tell us that as a Dad he has had to say “I’m sorry” to his children on more than occasion.

“I’m sorry for what I’ve said. For what I’ve done.” to correct his wrong in order not to raise wrath in his children, when he in fact he was the one in the wrong.

 

I too have had to apologise to my Diana when I did wrong.

 

When I speak with her, I explain to her “I’m learning. Everyday I’m learning. You don’t come with an instruction book, I’m doing the best I can and everyday I’m learning.”

I accept that I’m not perfect. I’m learning how to be a mother on a daily basis, in the same way as she is growing and learning her place in the world and how to be a daughter.

 

We’re learning together.

This evening before bed, she asked if she could have some milk and toast in bed. This is something she knows I absolutely love doing as it reminds of my weekends as a child at my nana’s house. I said yes. And we talked as we do every evening before bed.

 

Every night we read a story and talk a little bit about all sorts of topics.

 

Today I asked her: “How can I be a better Mother to you?” and she simply smiled at me, looked me in the eyes and said “You are the best Mum. You’re perfect”. “Surely, there is something I can do to be better?”, I said.  After a few seconds of pause and I could see her thinking about it, she said “No… You’re perfect”.

 

I smiled and thanked her for being the best daughter. Maybe what I classify and the standards I set myself as a parent are not realistic from a child’s point of view. But from an adult’s point of view I want her to have all the opportunities and be a happy and fantastic teenager and adult. I desperately want to ensure she is happy, and becomes a positive contributor to our society. And that responsibility lies with me. And there’s n0 road map to that destination…

 

For the last 5 years, all she wanted was to be with me and I with her. Now we’re together. I tell her everyday how much I love her, how I’m her biggest fan, her biggest supporter and how I will always be here for her. All the promises I’ve made her, I’ve kept them.

 

We’re learning together and maybe that’s enough for now.