Life

Mental trap

It’s the little things in life, you know?

The smell of spring in March, the feeling of your toes curling into the sand in May, the warm sun in July, the days when you wake in the morning and you simply know it’s going to be a good day.

It’s when your heart skips a beat when he leans over for a cheeky kiss in your neck, when you can smell his true self behind a fancy perfume and deep down you know “he loves me”.

If you are anything like me, this is the part when your mind begins to race, demons take over and you can’t help think: “Does he really love me though?” and “Why does he love me?”.

Surely there has to be something wrong with him if he loves someone like me.

I have been broken so many times that I’m full of invisible scars.

They become visible when I allow him to have a glimpse at my insecurities. They become visible by my actions, words or questions and when I sometimes behave irrationally.

Yet, he remains. For how much longer I wonder. How much longer can he put up with me? There are far too many girls out there, prettier, skinnier, smarter, and funnier… “Why me?” I wonder.

Feelings of confusion and anxiety take over me but he leans over for another kiss. He tells me “You are looking very pretty today” and you know he means it because the eyes are the window to the soul and his bright blue eyes allow you to take a deep dive into one of the most beautiful souls that God has placed in your way.

You know you have something good going on when you find comfort in silence.

There isn’t any awkwardness and you can be still. Be still my soul, for I have found what I have been looking for.

Your mind is racing but your heart is quiet. Your heart tells you “It’s all good. Breathe” but in your mind there are 1,000 thoughts happening at the same time.

You try to catch one but just as you think you can focus on one, it immediately seems to fade away and blends in with all the other 999 and you are left trapped in this whirlwind that is only happening in your head.

You have your eyes closed, it’s too real for you, you don’t understand what is happening and you want for all of it to go away. You so desperately want for these feelings, thoughts, doubts, anxieties, goals, dreams and memories to just stop.

Suddenly, you are able to focus, you breath, open your eyes and all is still around you.

You look everywhere to make sure you are no longer in your mental trap and next to you, there he is. The anchor that keeps you grounded. Your very own angel.

He has a little smile on him and you know he is lost in his own world. A world he created for himself while he allows losing himself in the words of the latest book he bought.

All is quiet. The last rays of sunshine invite themselves though the windows, creating beautiful shades around and you feel comfortable in your sofa. You slowly return to consciousness by moving your fingers, by feeling your own breath. You look around and your coffee is still warm. You look to your side and there he is.

Completely oblivious to the fact that your whole existence nearly collapsed inside your mind.

It doesn’t make it any less real for you though.

The palette of colours created in your living room by the sunset make you look at him like you are seeing him for the first time. You are paying attention. The details of his face, how his skin moves when he smiles and you realise how he is getting old and choosing to grow old with you.

I have been broken so many times and I am full of invisible scars. He tells me it’s ok and kisses it one by one until they heal. “We all have them” he tells me.

I find comfort in his arms when I allow myself to be vulnerable. I give happiness a chance and I am the happiest when I fall asleep in his arms.

It’s the little things in life that make it grand.

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